Last time, I ended with my acknowledgment that I had a binge eating problem, and my anger at how much control food had over my life.
I’m not where I want to be.
But I’m better. And I’m working on it.
And taking this step to really admit my problem, share it with others, and hold myself accountable is important to me.
Some areas where I’ve improved:
- I no longer look at or think about my “calorie deficit” of the day. I have no idea how many calories I burn at the gym, during a workout video, or on a run. And I’m fine with that.
- At my worst, I was binging multiple times a day. Today, I haven’t had a truly bad binge in over a month. For me, the tell tale sign of a binge is when I eat without any mental or physical awareness of what I’m eating. I’m not thinking. I’m not tasting. I’m barely chewing. I’m just eating.
- If I overeat from time to time, but am aware and enjoying the food, I don’t consider that a binge. I don’t agonize over it or beat myself up anymore. I try to actively think “well, guess I was hungry!” and leave it at that.
- I’ve taken steps to address the emotional aspect of binge eating. When I get an urge to binge, I write down how I’m feeling, and I’m trying to address those feelings head on instead of distracting myself with food. I am an emotional eater (I mention here that I “ate my feelings”) and I’m trying to recover from that as well.
Confessions and things I’m still working on:
- I still count calories. Not as obsessively as I used to. But on average, I can give you a very accurate numeric tally of what I ate 4-5 days a week.
- I own a food scale, and use it often. For example, I’ll weigh out a serving of cheese rather than estimating what a good amount is.
- When I make a meal that’s supposed to serve 4-5, rather than roughly estimating a serving, I portion out (using my food scale) precise servings.
I know I need to work on these things. College Meghan would see me weighing cheese in the morning and be like…..what the? That bitch cray.
But I’m compulsive.
I am, I know I am. And it’s hard. These habits that I’ve developed have become a routine. Routine is comforting to me. It makes me feel like I’m in control, and I like to be in control.
There. I said it. I’m a control fah-reak.
I probably should talk to someone about it, but I don’t want to yet. I want to do this on my own. Fix myself on my own. Because I’m aware that my thoughts are messed up. I know they are. I’m working on it. And I’ve made progress. And I’m not going to give up
And that’s my story. So far.
I hope to keep getting better, and I hope you guys stick along for the ride!